


The Monster Squad

by chocolateghost



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Monster Hunters, Crack, Creature from the Black Lagoon - Freeform, Dracula - Freeform, F/M, Frankenstein's Monster - Freeform, Monster Hunters, Monster Squad AU, Random Witch - Freeform, Wolfman, the mummy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 13:58:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16476863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolateghost/pseuds/chocolateghost
Summary: What's a guy to do when classic Hollywood monsters attack his hometown? Gather his friends and kill the shit out of them, that's what! Jon couldn't exactly tell you how the whole thing started. But he could definitely tell you how it was going to end, with those monster bitches six feet under.A Halloween treat for Jonsa Week! Day 3 Entry - Alternate Universe





	The Monster Squad

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kit_Kat21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kit_Kat21/gifts).



> Ok so fair warning, this is totally self-indulgent trash. I rewatched Monster Squad a few nights ago and immediately knew I needed to write this. I had originally planned to make this closer to the movie, but then that shit got WAY too wild so I had to scrap it. So here we have this absurd pile of Halloween crack that I just shat out in a few hours. Very loosely based on the movie in question.
> 
> For Katie because she is like literally the only other person I know who has ever watched this movie. ❤️❤️❤️

What's a guy to do when classic Hollywood monsters attack his hometown? Gather his friends and kill the shit out of them, that's what! Jon couldn't exactly tell you how the whole thing started. But he could definitely tell you how it was going to end, with those monster bitches six feet under.

 

Truth be told, in a deleted scene, he had been able to gather some information during a talk with local weirdo, Melisandre. In a move that was very cliche and tropey, someone had apparently read from an old book of spells that awakened the monsters to wreak havoc on Winterfell and bring about the end of the world. Blah blah blah, nothing new here.

 

Being a strange kid that enjoyed the macabre side of life, Jon felt vastly overqualified to deal with the problem at hand. Everyone in the school had seen Dany T’s snapchat about Count Dracula coming into her room and sucking her blood. That was just the beginning. Sightings of Frankenstein’s monster, a mummy, the creature from the black lagoon, and the wolfman had also been reported. Jon immediately knew what to do: start a group chat!

 

**_Monster Squad Group Chat_ **

 

 **_Jon:_ ** _You’ve all been invited to help rid the world of the monsters. Do you accept this mission?_

 

 **_Theon:_ ** _Yes. A million times yes. I have been training for this my entire life_

 

 **_Sansa:_ ** _I don’t fight things. You know that, Jonathan._

 

 **_Sam:_ ** _Yeah samesies_

 

 **_Robb:_ ** _Sure. Margaery’s out of town so I don’t have anything else to do_

 

 **_Theon:_ ** _Literally_

 

 **_Robb:_ ** _I hate you_

 

 **_Arya:_ ** _SOMEBODY BETTER LET ME KILL SOMETHING OR I WILL SCREAM_

 

 **_Bran:_ ** _Can I be the guy in the chair?_

 

 **_Jon:_ ** _The what?_

 

 **_Bran:_ ** _Omg didn’t you watch the latest Spider-Man movie? The guy in the chair. You know, the information guru that sits in a chair at home away from the fighting_

 

 **_Jon:_ ** _Ok yeah sure whatevs_

 

 **_Sam:_ ** _Dammit I should have thought of that_

 

 **_Rickon:_ ** _Guys I’m like 9 years old I don’t think mom and dad will let me do this but I’m gonna do it anyway_

 

 **_Robb:_ ** _That’s true. Also it’s past your bedtime. Also WHEN DID YOU GET A PHONE??????_

 

 **_Rickon:_ ** _Mom and dad gave it to me last week because of soccer practice. Convenient huh?_

 

 **_Bran:_ ** _Yes very_

 

 **_Sansa:_ ** _Can I just stay home and babysit Rickon and Bran while you guys fight the monsters?_

 

 **_Jon:_ ** _NO WE NEED YOU_

 

 **_Theon:_ ** _Do we tho?_

 

 **_Jon:_ ** _YES YOU’RE COMING SANSA_

 

 **_Sansa:_ ** _Ugh fine_

 

 **_Jon:_ ** _Alright, everybody meet at town square tomorrow night_

 

 **_Robb:_ ** _Why the town square?_

 

 **_Jon:_ ** _That’s where big climactic battles always happen in movies. DUH ROBBERT_

 

 **_Robb:_ ** _Gross don’t call me that_

 

 **_Arya:_ ** _IF YOU BASTARDS DON’T LET ME KILL A MONSTER I WILL KILL ONE OF YOU INSTEAD_

 

 **_Jon:_ ** _Ok everybody be ready and bring some weapons. Wooden stakes. Silver bullets. All the good stuff. Use your imaginations!_

 

So that was how they all wound up in the town square at 8 o’clock sharp later that night.

 

Robb drove up in his old Gremlin with Theon, Rickon, and Arya.

 

“Sorry we’re late. Theon had to steal his father’s harpoon. Took him forever.”

 

“You’ll be thanking me when I kill one of those things looking like a badass.”

 

“Riiiiiiight,” Jon said skeptically. “Ok what else did everybody bring? I was able to fashion some wooden stakes during woodshop this morning. And I brought a crossbow to fire them at high velocity for extra killing power.”

 

Robb high fived Jon. “Nice! I stole all of mom’s fancy silverware and melted it down into silver bullets during metal working class.”

 

“Dude that’s awesome! Do you have a gun to shoot them?”

 

Robb sighed. “Sadly no.”

 

“I do,” Arya said, pulling a pistol out of the pocket of her hoodie.

 

Everyone looked at her like she had just pulled her face off.

 

“What? They’ll let just about anybody buy a gun in this country. Don’t be mad because you didn’t try it yourselves.”

 

Jon nodded. “Duly noted. Man they should really probably do something about those gun laws, but like we did just benefit from them so I guess I can’t complain too much. But like that’s a special case so... Who else? Sam?”

 

“I took my dad’s Valyrian steel sword, Heartsbane. Maybe that will come in handy?”

 

“Seems legit. Sansa?”

 

“I brought lemon cakes and my unwavering support.”

 

Jon gave her a big hug. “Wonderful! We will need both. Who knows how long we’ll be out here fighting-”

 

Just then a witch flew overhead on a broom, circling the group and cackling like mad.

 

“What the fuck is this shit? I don’t remember hearing anything about any witches?”

 

Looking around the group, everyone just shrugged and shook their heads.

 

Sansa looked confused. “Can someone call Bran? Do we need his expertise?”

 

“Nah, I think we got this. Robb, how many bullets did you make?” Arya asked.

 

“I don’t know. A lot. Why?”

 

“Give me one. I want to try something.”

 

Taking the bullet from her brother, Arya loaded it into the gun, aimed, and fired at the cackling witch. It hit her right in the head and she and her broom crashed to the ground with a hard thud.

 

“Avada kedavra bitch,” Arya said cooly, tipping the pistol up and blowing the smoke away from from the barrel.

 

“DAYUM! Ok that was awesome,” Rickon bounced up and down in celebration.

 

“Is she dead?”

 

“I don’t know.” Jon scratched his head. “Hey, anybody bring any water? We could try to melt her like in the Wizard of Oz.”

 

“I think I have a bottle of Aquafina in the car,” Robb said.

 

“Ok perfect. That stuff is so nasty it could probably melt anything.”

 

“Hey, I like Aquafina...”

 

“That’s because you’re garbage, Robb. Now hurry up and get it. We’re wasting time!”

 

Robb retrieved the water and poured it all over the witch. Sure enough she melted into a gooey green puddle.

 

“Eww everybody watch where you step,” Sansa suggested, moving carefully away from the mess.

 

Jon agreed. “Ok one down and like five to go.”

 

No sooner had Jon finished talking, did the creature from the black lagoon pop out of the pond at the center of the town square. He dragged himself onto dry land and lumbered slowly toward the group.

 

“Oh wow, it’s just like in the Shape of Water,” Sansa said dreamily, taking a bite of one of her lemon cakes.

 

Jon frowned, not appreciating her insinuation one bit. “Yeah nope. Theon, kill that fish bastard.”

 

Theon nodded. “HARPOON MOTHERFUCKER!”

 

The harpoon sailed through the air and lodged in the creature’s throat. It stumbled to the ground, bleeding profusely. Theon walked over warily, tipped the creature onto its back, and ripped the harpoon out of its neck. He jammed the point into its head and chest a couple times just to make sure it was dead, before walking back to the group with a big grin.

 

“Well that was easy. Did I look like a badass or what?”

 

“Yeah very badass,” Robb agreed. “Holy crap look over there!”

 

He pointed out to the street. Frankenstein’s monster and a mummy were slowly moving in their direction.

 

“How do you kill those things?” Sansa asked.

 

“Umm, fire I think. Anybody bring any matches, or a lighter, or a flame thrower?” Jon asked.

 

“Sorry, Jon. They were fresh out of flamethrowers at the store,” Arya snarked.

 

“Ok, you bought a gun and you’re telling me you didn’t think to buy a flamethrower? Weak.”

 

“What?”

 

“Exactly. Now let’s just do our best then, ok? Robb, Arya, and Rickon take the mummy. Theon, Sam, and I will take on Frankie.”

 

“Jon, what do you want me to do?” Sansa asked nervously. He knew she wouldn't want to fight.

 

"Here take these," he said, handing her the crossbow and four stakes. As well as a crucifix and a few cloves of garlic. 

 

"I don't think we'll need you for this fight, but just in case Dracula comes while we're occupied, here's some things to help keep you safe. And if we should fail with these two fuckers, light them up, babe."

 

“Perfect,” she responded, taking the items and pressing her lips to his quickly.

 

“Dude, that’s my sister.”

 

“Oh come on, Robb, everybody knows they’ve been banging for like six months,” Arya said.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? I DIDN’T!!!!!”

 

“Ok can we maybe not do this right now, We need to kill some monsters,” Sam interjected.

 

Robb glared at Jon. “Fine, but once these fuckers are dead I’m going to kill you.”

 

The group split up and began a method of trial and error to defeat their respective monsters. The gun and wooden stakes did absolutely nothing to stop their onslaught.

 

“Sam I’ve got it! Slice N Dice, baby!” Jon yelled at his friend.

 

Pulling Heartsbane out of its scabbard, Sam took a huge swipe at Frankenstein’s monster, lopping its left arm off. The arm crumbled into dust upon impact with the ground. Sharing a look with each other, the boys passed the sword around and each took turns hacking off limbs until the monster was no more.

 

High fiving and celebrating, Jon looked over to see Rickon running wild with one of the mummy’s bandages in hand while Robb and Arya distracted it. In no time, the mummy collapsed into a pile of dust.

 

“Well, it looks like you guys have that mummy,” Theon paused, putting his sunglasses on, “under wraps.”

 

A man's scream and accompanying power chord could be heard in the distance.

 

Arya narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t make anymore puns, Greyjoy. You suck.”

 

They regrouped back by Sansa, each scarfing one of her lemon cakes.

 

“You know, it’s been very convenient having the baddies come pretty much one at a time,” Sansa opined.

 

“I know right? SO convenient,” Jon agreed. “Who knew this would be so easy?”

 

“So what’s even left?” Theon asked.

 

“I think just wolfman and Dracula.”

 

Robb sighed in relief. “Ok that should be easy, right? We have plenty of stakes and bullets.”

 

“Yep. OH LOOK! Here comes someone now!”

 

A large hulking man with a gigantic ginger beard walked up to them with his hands in his jeans pockets.

 

“Hey guys, I’m Tormund,” he greeted the group.

 

“Uh hi? Are you a monster?” Jon asked.

 

“Yeah I’m a werewolf.”

 

“Ugh, a ginger wolfman? Are you kidding me. That’s disgusting,” Theon groaned. “No offense Starks.”

 

All the auburn haired Starks glared at him for his remark.

 

“Y'all are the Monster Squad, right?” Tormund questioned. “You’re all over social media. Some kid named Bran has been talking you guys up hardcore.”

 

“So that’s what the little jerk has been doing huh? He should be out here with us. Not at home on his computer,” Robb muttered, shaking his head.

 

“Yeah anyway, I just wanted to thank you for doing all this. I really don’t want to be a werewolf and if you guys kill me, I can finally be released. So yeah, I really appreciate it all your fine work.”

 

“Aww you’re welcome, Tormund!” Sansa beamed.

 

“So can we like shoot you now and be done with it then?”

 

“ARYA!” Sansa scolded.

 

“What? It would be so much easier!”

 

“I admire your enthusiasm little one, but I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until I’m in my wolf form.”

 

“And just how long will that be exactly?” Robb inquired. “We’d like to get home at a reasonable hour. It is a school night after all.”

 

“Oh yeah of course. Totally understandable. Should be any minute now I reckon.”

 

**_2 HOURS LATER_ **

 

“Ok yeah I do apologize guys. I’m sure you didn’t want to waste all this time talking to me.”

 

“No no it’s not your fault Tormund. These things happen from time to time, right?” Jon did his best to reassure the group’s new werewolf friend.

 

“Not really. I don’t know what’s wrong with me- OH! OH SHIT! IT’S HAPPENING! I CAN FEEL IT! RUN AWAY! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!”

 

The group watched in horror as their new friend’s body twisted and changed into a snarling bipedal ginger-furred wolfman.

 

“Holy shit, this is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen! And I walked in on my parents doing it once,” Theon said in awe.

 

The rest of the group looked at him curiously.

 

“Ok Arya shoot it,” Jon commanded.

 

She aimed the gun at the werewolf and pulled the trigger, but it only clicked.

 

“Shit! I think it’s jammed!”

 

“Oh the humanity! Of all the times for a gun not to work! Somebody do something, he’s going to kill us!” Sam moaned in pure anguish.

 

With Robb and Arya fiddling with the pistol, the rest of the group was starting to freak out. Now fully formed, wolfman!Tormund lunged at Sansa, pinning her to the ground.

 

“That’s my girlfriend, you fucker!” Jon yelled trying to stab him in the back with a wooden stake. wolfman!Tormund easily knocked him on his ass.

 

“Sansa! Kick him in the nards!” Rickon suggested.

 

“He’s a wolfman, he doesn’t have nards!” Sansa screamed, struggling to get free as the monster snapped its jaws at her..

 

“JUST DO IT!”

 

Closing her eyes, Sansa summoned all her strength and kicked wolfman!Tormund right in the crotch, making him double over in pain.

 

“Holy shit, it worked! Wolfman’s got nards!” Sansa exclaimed as she scrambled away.

 

“FIXED IT!” Arya yelled, aiming the pistol at the monster and firing. This time the gun did its job.

 

The group watched as the wolfman receded back into their now dying friend.

 

“Thank you my friends,” Tormund groaned, blood oozing everywhere. “I’ll never be able to repay you.”

 

His body relaxed and he laid dead on the ground.

 

Theon, moving to rummage in the dead man’s ripped jeans, removed Tormund’s wallet and took out all the cash he’d had.

 

“Well I’d say $50 will just about pay us back.” The rest of the group looked at him with disdain. “What? Don’t judge me. Like you all weren’t thinking the same thing.”

 

The group shook their heads at him and waited for the final monster. They didn’t have to wait long. A giant bat descended from the sky and morphed into Count Dracula himself.

 

“Good evening. I see you’ve killed my fellow creatures of the night-”

 

“Ok, cut the bullshit, Drac, we’ve been out here waiting on your sorry ass all night,” Jon spit out.

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“Yeah, you should be,” Sansa interrupted. “It’s really rude to just invade a town with all your monster friends. What if we came to your castle and started some crap. Bet you wouldn’t like that, would you?”

 

Dracula looked taken aback. He clearly had not been expecting this kind of reception.

 

“Ok Sansa, I think you’ve made him feel bad enough.” Robb patted his sister’s arm. “Now let’s kill this fucker. Jon, would you do us the honor please?”

 

Dracula held up his hands. “Wait, but I have yet to reveal my evil plan!”

 

“And you ain’t gonna get to.” Jon lined up the crossbow at Dracula’s heart. “Say hi to the Cullens for me when you get to hell.”

 

Jon pulled the trigger and the stake found its intended mark. With a blood-curdling hiss and a flash of light, Dracula disintegrated into nothing.

 

The group all looked at each other and smiled tiredly. Theon was the first to speak.

 

“Well that was really anticlimactic, huh? Felt pretty cheap. Like really? That’s it?”

 

Robb punched him in the arm. “Shut up Theon, we just fought off a whole bunch of monsters. I’d say that’s a job well done. I’m starving. Anybody else in the mood for waffles?”

 

“WAFFLESSSSSS!!!” Rickon screamed in affirmation.

 

“Ok, that settles it. Celebratory waffles on me guys,” Jon agreed. “Way to go team! Someone text Bran and tell him to meet us there. Now, if you all don’t mind, I have to make out with my lady love.”

 

Jon grabbed Sansa and locked lips with her. She melted into his embrace and their tongues met in an elaborate fandango, intertwining and becoming one in a symphony of spit and pheromones.

 

“THAT’S MY SISTER YOU ASSHOLE!”

 

Robb moved to punch Jon, but Arya grabbed his arm, holding him back.

 

“Forget it, Robb. It’s Monster Squad.”

 

_***Cue bombastic overly synthesized 1980s pop music as the camera zooms out on the snogging Jon and Sansa to reveal Freddy Krueger, Pennywise, Ghostface, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, and Leatherface all making their way toward the town square.***_

 

**_THE MONSTER SQUAD WILL RETURN IN... THE MONSTER SQUAD 2: WAFFLES & BLOOD_**

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!!!!! :D


End file.
